Surrendering All

I have been Seventh-Day Adventist my whole life, at least by name. I was baptized at the age of 12, but didn't feel a true conversion experience until this past summer.

When I was baptized I didn't really do it because I had fallen in love with Jesus. In reality, I just got baptized because my friends were doing it (it may sound weird but baptism peer pressure is real). Sure I thought Jesus was cool and I wouldn't really be around if He hadn't died, but I hadn't ever had my heart broken by the gospel. I grew up with an autoimmune disease and always had this, "Why me, God?", attitude that made me generally unpleasant person to be around. My negativity overflowed into every part of my life until I was a perfectly rounded little electron.

One of my greatest regrets is how poorly I treated some of my friends in my underclassmen years of high school. I was selfish, mean, cruel, and I damaged some friendships so badly that they will never be exactly the same. But I am so thankful for the healing I've experienced and the promise that "if anyone is in Christ, [s]he is a new creation". 2 Cor 5:17

After my bad underclassmen years, I ended up going to academy in Portland, OR for my last 2 years of high school. It was a beautiful experience to have a new start in a new place and an opportunity to change my attitude. I was still negative and selfish, but wasn't nearly as mean and actually ended up with some life long friends. 

After graduating from high school I spent my freshman year at Union College in Lincoln, NE. I made a few good friends at Union and one of my great friends encouraged me to sign up for Youth Rush in the Central California Conference (CCC) of Seventh-Day Adventists. I had always considered canvassing, but never really thought I would actually do it. About a month later I was interviewed over the phone and a short while later received an acceptance letter. I flew to CA in early June and spent 10 weeks canvassing and by the grace of God, had my first true conversion experience.

The first 5 weeks were honestly torture, I was so irritated by all the rules, structure, and lack of free time. I had been so used to downtime during my summers I didn't think I could handle never getting to sleep in. On week 6 we had a change of scenery as our program moved locations. Our new location was much closer to the coast and I enjoyed the cooler weather although the territory felt more difficult. Week 7 was the week of the CCC Youth Rush San Francisco (SF) Blitz where 6-ish students from each of the 5 programs in CCC canvassed SF. I was privileged to be able to be a part of that group.

Up until that point the past 6 weeks had really been a real struggle, I didn't really enjoy canvassing, my heart wasn't in it, I struggled with negativity and complaining, and hadn't fully surrendered all my worldly desires and tastes to the Lord. I was however convicted by the Holy Spirit that I needed to give these things up before trying to reach SF. I had a good pray/cry decided to try it just for a week and even promised one of my leaders I wouldn't be negative all week. At the end of the week I felt for the first time in my whole life that I was fully surrendered to Christ. I decided to rededicate my life to Him and was re-baptized at iShare on August 16, 2014.

My heart had finally been broken by the gospel, I finally realized the seriousness of my sin. That it was my sin that had crucified Christ, that the selfishness and cruelty with which I had treated my friends was the reason that Jesus died of a broken heart. "He indeed was foreordained before the foundation of the world, but was manifest in these last times for YOU" 1 Peter 1:20. He would have died for just one sinner. He would have died if it had only been me, if it had only been you.

I praise the Lord for the work He has done in my life. It is my prayer that my life can be a witness to others in everything I do, say, eat, watch, listen to, post, laugh at... and that I may do ALL to the glory of God. Jesus "was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin" (Heb 4:15). It gives me hope that I can overcome sin every day through Him. Each day brings new challenges but Jesus promises us that, "He who overcomes shall inherit all things." Rev 21:7. It breaks my heart at the thought of not seeing my family and friends in heaven. Are the things of this world of more value than a heavenly crown*, a harp of gold*, and never-fading flowers*? Heaven is cheap enough!*

*Early Writings Chapter 1

Shallow

Dear guys,

Many women today are becoming increasingly frustrated with the ridiculously high standards that have been placed on us all by men (and society). We are expected to have perfect bodies and perfect hair, yet are unappreciated for our character and mind. Finding "the perfect guy" might be easy for those of us who have great bodies and great hair, but much more difficult for an average woman. A lot of far-better-than-average women are overlooked by shallow men looking for a great body rather than a great character. 

I'm not saying that all men are like this. Some genuine men look for lasting qualities before they pursue a dating relationship. Intelligence, confidence, love, care, loyalty, and honesty are all qualities that can make or break a relationship. If you were to start considering these qualities before, and not after you look at the outside, maybe more relationships would last.

I'm not saying that attraction isn't important. It's definitely important to be attracted to someone you plan on marrying, God designed it that way. I am saying it is important to be aware of the influence that one look can have. Don't assume that just because a woman has a nice body that she has a nice character. Don't assume that just because another woman is just "okay" in the looks department that she isn't a 10 in the character department. 

A nice body won't last. Skin will wrinkle with age, boobs will sag, and a woman will lose her perfect curves. Nice hair will thin and grey. Teeth will yellow. But character lasts.

Character is who you are when no one is watching.

Be a man with character and pursue women with character.

Called

Ever since I was little, I've never been able to decide what I want to do with my life. Like any adventurous kid I wanted to be an astronaut, or a veterinarian, and later on I wanted to be a pilot. But none of these things stuck with me, none of them felt like a calling.

My Senior year of high school was amazing. It wasn't the greatest as far as the classes I was taking, but I had a fantastic senior class. One of my classes was called Careers and in that class we learned about writing perfect résumés, how to have a good interview, as well as taking numerous personality tests to find out what our optimal career would be.

One of our assignments in that class was to career shadow someone in a field we were interested in. We also had to interview them about their job description and any other related questions. I decided to shadow a PA (Physician Assistant). 

At the time I did the shadowing I wasn't really super excited about PA as a career. I thought, well it's interesting and money-making but I don't think it's for me. I was really concerned about the amount of time I would have to spend in school and all those science classes I didn't really want to take. So I forgot all about being a PA for about a year.

I started my freshman year at Union College as an International Rescue and Relief (IRR) major and I was really excited. After my trip to Nepal last March and April I was really excited to get more into outdoorsy and medical things. I was excited and enthusiastic but I didn't feel fulfilled or like the major I was doing was intentional. I didn't know what the problem was. I was excited about IRR, there was nothing else I wanted to do, but something just wasn't right. 

I kept thinking back to my trip to Nepal and how much I really loved it. I loved it so much; I would be happy living there. Give me running water and internet and I'll be happy pretty much anywhere. I wondered, like many IRR majors, what I was going to do when I was done with IRR. Who will I be? What will I do with this major? I love the outdoors, but how can that help people? How can I make this into something that will fulfill me as a person and be fulfilling to others as well? I didn't want to be one of those IRR majors who graduated and then couldn't find a job. God was gently tugging on my heart. I started to realize that the one way I could answer all these questions and be able to do everything I wanted was to add a Pre-PA emphasis.

As a Pre-PA in IRR I would be able to do everything I wanted. I could help people in Nepal, I could be outdoorsy, I could pay off my student loans a lot faster. I felt that this was just what God wanted me to do. I thought about it for a few weeks, solemnly thinking about all the science classes I would have to take. Then I just decided to do it. I marched myself down to my advisor's office and told him I was going to add a Pre-PA emphasis. We talked about the different classes I would have to take and I went over to the records office and officially added Pre-PA as my emphasis.

I'm still a little nervous about what the future holds, but I know that if I follow God's plan, He'll bring me through it. Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." I've seen this to be true in my life in everything I've gone through. I didn't always see God during the struggle but looking back I can see how He carried me. 

The Story of My Life

Okay, I'm going to be honest. This is a pretty long story, but I want to tell it. I need to get it out. I'm tired of people misunderstanding me. 

I was born in the early morning of October 6, 1994 in Alaska Regional Hospital in Anchorage, Alaska. I was a healthy baby and 8 days after my birth I flew with my mother from Anchorage to Kotzebue, Alaska before joining my family at our home in Nome, Alaska. 

My sister and I in Boring, Oregon c. 1996

I lived in Alaska for the first year of my life before my family moved to the wonderful town of Boring, Oregon where my grandma lived in January 1996. I don't remember Oregon or Alaska, but I know they were good.

After living in Oregon for another year, our family moved to West Frankfort, Illinois in March of 1997. This is where I had my first memories.

At the age of two my first memory was of me stepping on a bee and my sister helping me into the house while I was crying my eyes out. Yeah, life started out great.

I don't have many memories from Illinois. We lived there for a year and a half before moving to Cheyenne, Wyoming in September of 1998.

Learning to Rollerblade, c. 1999

Cheyenne was really the home of my childhood. It is where I had my greatest memories, accomplishments, and failures as a child.

At the age of five my mom started noticing some bald spots on my head and soon after, all my hair was gone. We didn't really know what was going on at the time and I was little enough that I didn't really care. At some point in time, I was diagnosed with Alopecia Areata, an autoimmune disorder that causes your body to attack your hair follicles and make your hair only grow in patches and peach fuzz. 

As a little five year old, I didn't really care; I didn't know that I wasn't normal. I was home schooled so I didn't have to worry about bullying. I kind of wondered why people at church were so obsessed with my head but I didn't really mind. I got a wig and wore it sometimes. It got really itchy sometimes though so if it was bugging me I would just rip it off in the middle of church and continue on with whatever I was doing while the horrified old ladies behind us wondered about my parents. I didn't have a care in the world.

Aside from my hair problems I was a healthy and active kid. I played outside all the time. My sister and I would run all over our two acres of prairie (barefoot of course) on the outskirts of Cheyenne. We would step on cacti and catch prairie dogs, jump on our trampoline, and have bike races. I had a great childhood and had everything I needed and most of what I wanted, I didn't care what people thought of me, I had my parents, my pets, and my sister even though we fought all the time. 

When I was seven or eight I got my first real hair wig from Locks of Love. It was unrealistically poofy and people always talked about how thick my hair was. Around this time my condition changed from Alopecia Areata to Alopecia Universalis, total loss of all hair on the body. Once again I didn't really care, the hair that was left on my scalp made it hard for the silicone suction on my wig to stay on. I figured if it was going to be gone it may as well all be gone. 

Soon after I got my hairpiece I started going to L.E. Mason Christian Academy, the private Adventist church school in Cheyenne. I was in 2nd grade and started to wonder about what people my age and adults thought about me, after all they all had hair and I didn't. I was noticing and starting to care about being different. There were only boys in my grade but I didn't really care what they thought, I wasn't trying to impress them.

I only went to school there for half of 2nd grade and then went back to being home schooled but I didn't mind. I was still happy with my pets and sister for the most part.

Lily Lake, Rocky Mountain National Park, October 2009

As I got older I started to notice the difference between me and others more and more. My family started going to church in Colorado and so we spent a lot of weekends in Rocky Mountain National Park hiking and going on picnics and just being in the outdoors. They were a distraction to me. I felt alive and at home in the mountains. There was just something about the towering peaks that I have always loved. It gave me a sense of security and the feeling that I wasn't alone. I could feel God.

At the age of ten my parents informed me that we would be moving back to Illinois. I was completely devastated; my life was in Wyoming and Colorado. I loved the dry cool climate and the mountains and I remembered enough of Illinois that I knew I liked Wyoming better. 

Before moving I told my parents that I wanted all the people at the new school to know about my hair (and the lack thereof) before I got there so that I could avoid awkward conversations. They told the teacher and she told the whole school. It was pretty small, less than 40 kids went there but it was still pretty scary for me since I had only been to a small school for less than a semester when I was in 2nd grade.

We moved to Thompsonville, Illinois in February of 2006. I was in 5th grade at the time and my Locks of Love hairpiece was in for repairs so I had to wear a gross "old lady" looking plastic-hair hairpiece. I started going to school and didn't initially have a difficult time making friends. I joined Pathfinders (Adventist girl and boy scouts) and had a great time. At this point in my life I was getting pretty bitter and negative about my hair loss. I thought "I don't even like myself, why would anyone else like me?" It was thoughts like this that really turned me into a negative and horrible person. I didn't notice how horrible of a person I was becoming. I said things to my friends that were really mean and sometimes I wouldn't even realize it. I was hurtful and hateful and ended up pushing a lot of people away. I of course blamed it on my hair. The only thing I knew was that I didn't have hair and I didn't have many friends and I connected the two. I assumed that people were just being superficial and not being my friend because I didn't have hair, which just made me even more bitter. 

My bad behavior wasn't just at school with my friends. I was rude and disrespectful to my parents and sister too. Just about the only people that I wasn't directly mean to were other adults. I am sure that they still noticed though. 

Thompsonville Pathfinders (I'm third from the right), 2010

I finished up elementary school and started my freshman year at Thompsonville Christian Academy. No one had told me what a GPA was, which I didn't discover until my junior year and by then it was nearly too late to fix. My teacher only taught us guitar and a little bit of math. My self-motivation was mostly gone, even though I could have taught myself most of the stuff, I was annoyed because I felt like the teacher didn't care that I was failing. I wasn't failing because I was bad at things and couldn't teach myself. It was because I didn't do my homework. I tripped over the academics my freshman and sophomore years and I'm not sure how I went on to the next grade.

Aside from my academic problems in my underclassmen years, my personality had become more and more abrasive. My sophomore year I had two best friends, a guy and a girl and me and the other girl both ended up liking the guy and it became a mess. I was mean and bitter to both of them and it destroyed our friendship. I don't want to get into huge detail on that, it was lowest point of my life. I have never felt farther away from God then I did then. If I could redo those years and fix them, I would in a heartbeat. By some great miracle I am once again friends with those two people today, but the way I treated them left scars, on me as well as them. 

August 2012

My junior year was fast approaching and with it came a sudden opportunity for a much needed fresh start. In August of 2011 I moved back to Oregon to stay with my grandma for the 2011-2012 school year. I didn't really know what to expect. My mom and my grandma had both graduated from Portland Adventist Academy which is what gave me the idea to go there. I came to school the day classes started and registered for them about thirty minutes before my first one started. So began my junior year, my best year of school and life so far. I got to do some really cool things my junior year and discovered a new passion, rock climbing. I also further developed my love for the outdoors. I made some great friends that I believe I will have forever. 

I was so comfortable with where I was at the end of my junior year that I decided I wanted to tell everyone about my hair. Not just my friends at school, everyone, so I did. I put on some makeup and took a picture and posted it on my Facebook. This was my first time ever telling a large number of people about my hair. I got a ton of positive feedback and about 150 likes, the most likes I've ever gotten on anything. Even though I had told everyone I was still not comfortable going into public without my hair. I did a couple of times during the summer while I was in Illinois and once or twice while I was in Oregon but never at school. I wasn't friends with everyone at my school and I still cared far too much about what people think of me.

Smith Rock State Park, Oregon September 2012

My senior year started and I was really excited for it. I didn't like my classes as much as I did my junior year but it was still a really great year. I got to be a senior mentor on the junior class retreat and our senior class bonded on a rafting trip we went on in October. In February I got to be the maid of honor in a childhood friend's wedding in Michigan. 

In late 2011 I had been invited to go on a trip to Nepal to do some humanitarian work, although the trip was over a year away I was ecstatic. I couldn't wait! The trip began on March 13, 2013 and ended April 13, 2013. While we were in Nepal we spent some time doing humanitarian work in Kumari, a rural region about 4 hours outside of Kathmandu. Throughout our trip we were accompanied by a film crew whose goal was to make a film that would ultimately benefit various establishments in Kumari. There was a new clinic that had been built over the past few years and the people in our group provided some basic healthcare and health education. Since I had no medical experience at the time, I assisted with the production of the film that was being made.

Children at a school near the Kumari Clinic
March 2013

After our humanitarian work, we flew into the worlds "most extreme" airport in Lukla, Nepal and began a two and a half week trek, two weeks of which we would be without showers. While trekking we continued to be accompanied by the film crew. The trekking company we were trekking with pays their guides and any other staff ethically and fairly, it is affiliated with the people who had dreamed of and planned the new clinic.

During the trek through the Himalaya we passed through many beautiful villages and ultimately ended up in Gorak Shep, a tiny town in the Khumbu that is the last stop for trekkers and Everest expeditions before reaching Everest Base Camp. We summited the 18,200 ft "hill" of Kala Patthar next to the town and had an amazing view of Mount Everest and the Himalayan range from the top. It was the best trip I've ever been on in my life and I hope and pray that I can someday return.

My view from the top of Kala Patthar
Mount Everest (dark one in the middle) April 2013

I returned to Portland and had about 3 weeks' worth of catch up homework to do from missing so much school. It took me quite a while but I got it done and graduated from high school in June of 2013.

Even though I had a great two years at Portland Adventist Academy it wasn't completely without trouble. I got discouraged often and procrastinated quite often. I also had this preconceived notion about high school that my life would suddenly be perfect, that guys would suddenly start liking me, and I wouldn't have to worry about not having a date to banquet (Adventist non-dancing prom) and maybe I would even have a boyfriend. Of the 2 years I was at PAA and the 4 banquets they had, I went to 1 of them. I didn't have a date, I went with friends. It was honestly miserable. I never had a boyfriend either. That doesn't mean I didn't like people, I did. I just didn't understand why guys didn't like me, and of course once again I blamed it on my hair.

Me and Haley after graduation, June 2013

The summer after graduation passed by uneventfully, I didn't do much and had a hard time deciding what I would be doing for the next school year.

I ultimately decided to go to Union College in Lincoln, Nebraska. It wasn't in the best part of the country but it was in my price range and had the exact major that I wanted.

I am currently a Freshman at Union College and I just finished my first semester with a 4.0.

My troubles didn't end however with the start of college, I still have confidence issues and have a hard time accepting compliments from people. 

I still don't have a boyfriend or a "man friend", my life isn't perfect, I'm often unintentionally negative, but I'm honestly pretty happy most of the time. I'm sure that God has someone in mind for me. Maybe he's here, maybe he's not, but time will tell. I know that when I do find the right person, the amount of real hair on my head won't matter to them.

My greatest prayer in life right now is that I can find God completely, trust him fully, and get to a point where I don't care as much what other people think about me and care more about what God thinks about me. I pray that I can find peace and complete happiness. I want to learn to be content in whatever state I am (Philippians 4:11). If you've gotten through this whole thing, that's fantastic. Please pray for me as I continue on my journey.